So I didn't get a chance to speak with the school so I have an appt tomorrow at 1230 so hopefully things go okay and i can get some answers. I am recording the entire convo due to the lack of professionalism this school is known for. But I got to visit my aunt and cousin which is good. Its been a while
now.

I haven't heard anything more about my aunt and uncle in Georgia but I am driving down to see them on may fourth. Thank god for them wearing helmets wow!

Yet another busy week full of stupid appts for both my babies. Picking up braydens baseball uniform today. I have to go to the school today and have a coming to jesus with the principle who thought it would be appropriate to tell my child next time he sees her will be on a & e . And gave her inschool for a text msg that was sent before school even started. Ugh this school pisses me off. Tomorrow I have to take both my kids to the doctors. Then I have kindergarten round up for my bay bay! He is getting sooooooo big it makes me sad.
My new pup makes up for my baby blues well kinda.

Ahhhh as if it wasn't bad enough with the shit going on with lyss but last night she found a bump near her breast. Ahhhhh my heart dropped. I played it cool told her we will get it looked at but it's scary. My mom has had non malignant nodules before few times so it runs in the family. Well guess it's more specialists. Thank God for the friends and family I have to be there for moral support. :)

I have a book that keeps all my appointment s in it. B.c I am so incredibly busy. I have a few people that are aware of the kind of stress I am under on a daily basis.
As the weeks go by and I feel things are getting better yet another rocky road begins.
My daughter has been diagnosed with type two diabetes. And is being tested for a certain kind of thyroid disorder..... all in one week one appointment then two days after she gets suspended from school and this weekend I had to admit her into an all girls home. :) it's really hard b.c I do it alone. No support from her father. Nothing.
So I would just like to say that for the people who are go ing thru things BE GRATEFUL FOR HAVING THE FATHER AND FAMILY SUPPORT RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. B.c YOU can never imagine the pain and heartache one goes thru and to do it all alone is very sad.

I can't believe a year ago I was laying in the icu recovering from having a partial lung resection. Wow what has changed since then.
I felt very loved at the time and blessed and lucky for the people I had in my life supporting me throughout.
Little did I know that going thru that would cost me a life long friendship. But that's what happens in life. People are added and removed from your life for reasons.
I am grateful for everyone I have in my life and thank God for each day I am given.

Finally I had such a good weekend. Spent it with family and great friends. It was much needed. Had a bbq yesterday and everyone came over. Melissa and I made up. Lyss and jazmine hung out and played on the trampoline together. Tiff and I were shocked.:) food was great and the company was even better. I got some much needed snuggle time with mah love.

Things seem to be looking up for me as far as dealing with this depression and serious mood swings:( whew! It was rough for a while.
So glad to have the few people I do:) they kinda rock.
Things with Joel are finally better which is soooooo awesome!
The coffee today tastes especially good today:) lol
Denny and I had family therapy with alyssa well I kinda sat and listened while The entire conversation was about dani. Go figure! But few things set in place so that lyss and her dad can get back their relationship.
I don't know what is going to happen with lyss but I do know her and I have a great relationship. She tells me everything. I mean eevveerryyyyything some things I can live without knowing. Lol I mean don't get me wrong she has a smart mouth and always could use an attitude adjustment but what 12 yr old don't.

It's soooo annoying. Omg I seriously don't know what to do but it's become very bothersome. If it's not an " accidental " phone call three times a month it's random friend requests and now on pinterest with nothing but rude things to say. Just leave me alone how bout that. Your wife and I are not friends anymore so why hit me up we were friends only were b.c of your wife......taking immature stabs at me is getting ridiculous to say the least.
Now I was told to " leave you the fuck alone " get a life blah blah yet I feel like I am being stalked. Random pics sent to my email the other day followed by a FB friend request. Just stoppppppp! I don't bother you we are not a part of eachothers lives anymore haven't been for a longgg time. Let me be. It's weird if things were going so great in your life why I would be of such priority grrrrrr.

So typically I wouldn't even waste my time blogging about something like this but it's really frustrating when someone is purposely being shitty to you for absolutely No reason.

I am not working b.c of all the things that have went on with my oldest. The amount of appointments and things I have to do daily can be very overwhelming to say the least.
Sorry your pissed at me for not freeing up my appointments to accommodate yours but in my world my kids come first.
You dogg out your friends on FB for not dropping what they are doing to help you out yet your ghost when your friends need something even just a phone call.
I absolutely do not have time in my life to deal with a so called friend who requires such attention. It's ridiculous that you would assume that everyone of your friends will just be at your beckon call. If you need something ask. Don't expect us to track you down and beg you to watch your kids like seriously. I offered and you declined sooooo to try and put some shit out on FB making it out to be that you have some shady friends is bull shit. Then when I ask about it u purposely ignore me.
Aren't we adults here.....
Your reason is you didn't want to drive in a circle well sorry but sometimes you have to if that means u have a sitter. And welcome to be ing a mom. I can't tell you how many times I have worried every day about not having a sitter. It's part of life it's part of being a mom.

I am so livid at how absolutely spoiled rotten you are acting. I don't have time to chase u and beg u to let me watch ur kids. You tell me No problem u got it covered yet your posts on fb are a direct insult to me and tiff. Who might I add was at work all day. And yes I enjoyed the nice day with my son so freaking what. Where the hell do u get off being mad at anyone about enjoying a nice day with their kids.
I can't even describe how disrespected I feel right now and I am seriously considering even being your friend anymore. I call u don't answer I text u don't respond I offer u ignore me so that's your fault your bad. Sorry sweetie but the world does not revolve around you.
Ohh and I even offered to go with you to your appointments and yet I'm shitty what everrr

It's really hard to trust anyone these days. The people you once thought were there for you tend to let you down a lot. People are very selfish and it's pretty pathetic.
I like doing things to help out my friends might not be a lot at times but I do what I can and I do it not to expect something in return. So many people will help you or attempt to do things to help and then you realize it was a complete set up b.c what they were really doing was testing you to see if you are willing to do the same regardless of circumstances.

I don't understand why people insist on pretending life is so grand and perfect and lovely! Makes me sick how fake ppl will be just so others view them in a certain wayyy! Esp via fb. It's quite laughable but me I will just keep it real although I don't post it on FB life sucks. Always has and always will I assume!!!! I can't help but wonder where life is taking me if only I could see even a year from now that would be helpful. My baby girl is having thyroid issues and now we have to see a specialist at children's hospital. Damn I was just there with my baby boy. Oh and that was quite an interesting day for me. Grandpa shows up with his new wife and her daughter brandi <- hate herrr and her kid who conviently enough is having surgery same day and time as brayden ha what are the odds lol out of all the people to see it had to be him and them. Mom kept her cool which I was proud of .....he didn't say a word to me or my son or my mom he did however speak yo ray which was weird. I guess it bothers me b.c I know my oma would have been there for us and seeing him reminds me of just how fucked up this family really was. I mean I don't consider him family haven't for a long time but the memories still bother me. Enjoy my gmas money and house and cars.... God don't like ugly and u will have to answer to someone for your actions. I don't understand why life brings people together at the same place and time like what the he'll is the meaning of it. The point of it all is to be understood! I am glad and so very thankful for my mother she truly is my best friend I don't know what I would do without her in my life. She is the only one who has stood by me thru it all good bad and ugly. I can't imagine my life without my mom she truly is my saving grace! I may not have a ton of family and a ton of friends but the few people in my life that are family and friends I truly cherish! Depression is No joke and I have been battling with it for a little while now and some days are good and other days not soooo much! But No matter what I know I have somewhat of a support system. I don't know how to pull myself out of this funk it's pretty painful on most days......I barely have the motivation to get out of bed it's my kids who keep me going and somehow for my babies I am able to find the strength to get shit done!!!! Although my daughter gives me more gray hair than desired her and brayden are my world and without them I would have nothing to live for. No desire to do anything. On another note my life is much more in order than it was even a year ago. Gosh I wouldn't change a single thing that has happened in the past.... well okay maybe I would change a few things but nothing major. Everything happens for a reason. Ahhhhh it's been so long since I last blogged

Sometimes being an adult sucks! Your forced to do things you don't want to do and expose yourself to ppl you can't even stand to be around. To be a mature adult one must go to the child's b day party and smile and hope that neither one of them says a word to you. Knowing it's guna be so ackward and uncomfortable but that's where being an adult sucks. Have to suck it up and be the bigger person. even though the maturity level of the couple combined doesn't add up to my sons age..... it shouldn't be that hard to be the bigger person! I would like nothing more than to tell the both of them exactly how I feel and how others see it as well! Grudges are held onto by very closed minded people. Very square individuals who have so many other issues they couldn't possibly see their own flaws through the wreckage of a brain they have. People that like to joke around alot and talk shit to ppl alot... pretending to be better in everything in everyway shouldn't wear their emotions on their sleeve. Don't dish it out if you can't take it. After an apology was sincerely in place that's when you get to see the kinda person your really dealing with..... I hope hating me at some point becomes exhausting b.c I couldn't imagine dealing with ever having thoughts of either one of you even on a weekly basis! I don't know why ppl would put so much energy into someone they dislike so very much. I am excited to see a gremlin up close and personal lol sorry very immature of me. Couldn't resist!!!!!
See I was raised with two older brothers and a younger brother and a dad who was the biggest smart ass so I learned very quickly how to snap back with come backs just as hard and when I got older even harder! I learned all too early how to give it right back! But I am also not the kind of person to purposely hurt someone's feelings. And when I am wrong I do apologize but if u choose to not accept it then I wash my hands of you. And that's that. Why keep on causing issues and running your mouth. Why when it's about your kids party am I the first thing you talk about.? God I would hate that someone else is allowed that type of mind control.

THE proof is in the pudding! A true test of time with critical events to follow. My magnifying glass is out!
They say it takes 3 weeks to learn a new habit or change of habit. Only someone truly dedicated to change will allow such magnificent results! Change happens everyday. Everything changes all the time day to day yet everything seems so repetitive! It is only when rock bottom has been hit that some will then have their moment of clarity! Sometimes tho when one finally sees their own faults and the severity of it....it's too late. So much damage has been done it becomes a questionable situation. Can things be repaired? Can't trust be reinstated? Can the normalcy that once was be restored? A true test of time...and commitment! I have not a clue what tomorrow brings so daily I am thankful for being allowed another day no matter what is going on or how bad things seem.

I would hate to lose the moon while busy counting the stars!

The hardest thing time do is to look at your own wrong doings and acknowledge it. Then the need to correct it requires change. Change can be very scary but this last year I have done a lot of self reflection. I can sleep so much better at night knowing I'm a true person. I used to be afraid to speak my mind but all that does is give certain people the power to walk all over me. Or in this case play games. Mine games. Why do people insist on living a lie. Just to try to make your self look and appear something your not. Why make an attempt to come into someone's life after all that has happened and attempt to make amends when it is a lie. You have to hide it from others b c the drama isn't worth it but everyone deserves a person. ESP if the person capable of being your person has fantastical intentions with not a single shady motive.
That being said when it's a situation.that is unchangeable... I have learned just to charge it to the game! And shut that chapter completely. It's not worth it. The second you find that there is nothing positive that would out weigh all the negative then there isn't a single reason to give it anymore of your time or energy. Mentally you have to just let go. It's a sad situation that has done so much damage words thrown that cannot ever be forgotten or really forgiven. Saying it and doing it is where the contradicting comes in. Everything is easier said then done. There are times when you really miss that friendship even tho the outcome is always going to be the same we all have feelings and things and memories that make us wish so bad that certain things weRe done differently. life sucks in that sense. Biggest lessons are learned the hard way! The painful way. I'm the kind of person whom ppl really mistake me as a person who is naive and not very strong and not someone who is hard to lie too. Oh she will believe anything lol I kind of like it that way b.c when you underestimate my intelligence that only makes it so much easier on me:) I am aware I tell ppl info that they could use against me but being an open book works for me. I don't want to try to be something I'm not just so someone can't talk shit. Who cares what anyone thinks they don't live your life and have never walked a day in your shoes. And on that note I will end this.

So I have no car well no legal car at the moment so who would I look toward for assistance obviously my bf well what I am about to explain is something that has happened twice now. In an argument we were having he decides after I fill his gas tank up of course that I ain't allowed to use his car. I had to walk to pick up my son's script just for them not to have it of course. Walk all the way back and they call to say they do have it. Ugh. My kids had no way to school if it weren't for their father who came to pick them up this morning. Mind you regardless of any fighting I let him use my car all the time when he had no car. Then he is guna say I use him. Lmao I pay for everything. He don't pay for shit. I'm so sick of this shit that's so shady and if he really cared about my kids he wouldn't take it out on them knowing I only need his car to take my kids to and from school

I hate this day it makes for ppl like me who don't have a picture perfect life very depressed. Joel and I got back together just to break up. Again. I did it and he agrees that it's what's best we are ruining eachother. We are so much alike it is sickening. Our complaints are very similar.
Reflection is something everyone should do. I look at situations alot and try to figure out what role I played and the demise of our relationship is def b c when given the power like I gave Joel he took advantage of it. Walked all over me and that's my fault I fall too hard. And I allowed certain behavior to happen all many times that it became routine to get talked to like a pos.
I get no respect b.c I don't force it. I didn't stick up for myself not one time and he knew I wasn't going anywhere! So anyways it's over and yes I am sad but at the same time a little relieved. I know what I want and I thought he was it. He was supposed to be my best friend and always have my back but when that person becomes more of an enemy than someone you would talk too about anything u know things are so bad and maybe there isn't any turning back from that. I don't know.anymore!
All I know is noone deserves to be physically or emotionally abused regardless of what the issue is. And that has to be my motivation.
I wish he could just see it from my point of view. I could never even see him not in our lives and I can't see myself with someone else yet we cannot be together cuz I love myself more then to allow someone to simply dog me, out whenever the feeling arises
Riddle me this:
I am sitting on the bed crying to him and asking him to talk to me he pulls cover over his face turns out the light and says " shut up " ever since then I haven't really been able to give him my all. I can't tell you how many times he has hoed me when talking about our relationship. I'm a bitch yes but I show him my feelings and that I care and he just says I am emotional. Too emotional. Which when I think about it he is prolly right. I am. That's where I made all my mistakes. I came into this with an open mind and heart and quickly found myself emotionally stuck if you will. Never allow someone that power over,you. They will always use that power to their advantage and then u find urself heart broken b.c that person is taking complete advantage of you.
This is my blog my version thru my heart as I see n feel it. That's not to say I'm not wrong for things . I am very wrong for thinkn he was any different from anyone else.
It's sad b.c we can be such a great team but you can't make someone try or want to try. So when that's the case u have to remove yourself. When you realize things are not in the best interest of the kids and yourself then it's time to go. I don't want anyone else I will make that clear I love him so much but again you can't make someone be something they aren't and maybe just maybe this is how it's supposed to be. Sad to say but it is prolly the closest to the truth. My kids are u world and in the beginning he helped all the time with the kids and being a real family but just as men do he became bored I think and maybe that's why he,stopped but see they are my kids and I don't get to just stop and start and stop and start. .I am a mom 24/7 and I need someone who is human be there actively be there through it all without giving up.
Anyways that's all for now. I'm single now so I have alot more to blog about so stay tuned!

Joel and I are officially back together! Which rocks considering last v day was horrible lol cruel intentions is all I am saying. The babe and I are making Valentine's day gifts for eachother awww

I have a friend whom things have been rocky for a while but this friend was more like a sister to me for over five years our kids literally grew up together and we had a falling out big time. Now as I see it life is too short to hate. It's exhausting to dislike someone. One of the hardest things is to take back the stones thrown. This friend I swore off for life until recently but it sucks that our friendship has to be kept a secret. For fear of drama in her life. Things are weird in the sense that we can't really be there for one another. How do we learn to trust again. How do we learn to be able to confide in that person again. To tell them things that is so personal and not to be judged or allowing ammunition with given info. I hope that this can be repaired. .am I too forgiving? I think when it comes to friendships I am only as forgiving then the next. Being able to let go is the greatest thing.

Can two of the same people be together and have a successful relationship. I find that Joel and I are so similar that we clash more than anything. It's like looking thru a glass mirror. .am I the way he views me and is he as I view him. Are we just so much a like that we constantly are calling eachother out on our own flaws. Both Aquarius both sensitive both stubborn and both very much insecure in this relationship. True talk! But there is just something that keeps me holding on. I can't see myself without him and him without I so then what is the problem ugh we gotta get through this we have to

Sometimes I wonder if ppl are put into our lives just to simply test us. Test our boundaries see how far we will let them go before there is that line drawn between work thru it and deal breaker. Wait please tell me that's not human nature. It's so weird how woman can tell the future just by watching how a man will show his. Ass! And what why are we supposed to be understanding of their unemotional and fragile egos. Stroke his ego make him feel needed. Horse shit! They don't do this for us yet we need oven mit's on to deal with them coommmmeeee ooonnnn now! They are not children yet reverse psychology works lmao! ™ I am able to feel comfort in knowing that I am a good person and I deserve to be treated with respect. I give my all in every relationship especially this one. I am on top of all this dumb ass relationship crap I am dealing with depression and ocd and adhd which is all new to me well kind of knowing it or thinkn it is one thing but being told yup your screwed up oh and generalized anxiety disorder. My anxiety is thru the roof and my relationship or lack of one is def not helping things. Sometimes I just feel so alone. Noone understands what it's like or where I am coming from I don't tell many ppl anything anymore cuz then I get judged for it or I hear I told you so or you deserved it. So keeping to myself is usually cool cept sometimes a girl needs to vent. Sometimes a girl just needs her man to hold her kiss her n say it's guna be okay. Why does that seem like that is too much to ask?