Unfortunately today I am a little overwhelmed.....I find myself wondering about my future. I am supposed to go back to work December first yet I am unsure where I will be working. I love my job I love working with tiny humans....it makes me feel important. It's saddens me b.c I can't work anything but days b.c my kids need me. There is no position open so it kind of depresses me. I am nervous about not having a job that I can work and still make myself as available to my children as possible. I need a job but my babies come first and i have made so much progress with alyssa I almost feel that if I don't stick with it I am almost certain that things will start Going downhill. I don't have much help from their dad as far as parental support......he is going thru some things so I def feel a little alone. I have Joel but its not his responsibility

I have had a tremendous amour of lifes curve balls thrown at me this entire year and the only thing that has helped me was some advice I received from my psych doctor.
Just stop and actually smell the roses. When you eating don't be distracted concentrate on the different tastes ur tastebuds are showering you with. This helps clear your mind. It's a little bit like meditating which I highly recommend . It works wonders on soul searching and/or aides in the healing process. It's almost vital for survival that u have an escape and if your like me and free time just isn't there then u must improvise . When your driving instead of listening to music or being on the phone concentrate on your visual sense and the touch of how the steering wheel or the smell of the wind with the window down or the sound it makes.....we all take advantage of our senses . When never stop and smell the pretty rose we just comment on it and keep walking. Life is too busy no time for enjoying life......so I am working on this with my doctors.

As. Christmas slowly approaches I find myself looking back at this last year and finding myself humbled and grateful for making it out alive thus far. I have learned kindness patience and a great deal of parenting skills I never had before. I finally have ppl calling me for parenting advice. I guess when ur doing everything ur supposed to do ....which might I add was the hardest part tryin to figure out the right things to do. My children are my life! They keep me going that's for sure. I can't explain it to the younger generation enough how important it is to strive for greatness and never allow someone to break you down. Self esteem is a big player in the development of our future generation. Suicide rate in children has blown thru the roof. And that's b.c we have had children too young. We raised them not thinkn how important it is to b a positive role model. My generation seemed to have a sorta baby boom so our future generation is raised to believe work ethic isn't needed nor is respect considered an important tool to get thru life successfully. My oldest is my example. It is really hard to try and go back and reteach a preteen . I truely believe tho that everything happens for a reason.. I believe ppl come into ur life for a reason as well as leave your life for a reason. How do u enforce discipline upon an unruly child .....they make it so there is laws to protect the children from spankins so the kids think. Little do they know u can spank your child properly and not get into trouble but I don't think spanking is anyway to teach a child all it does is promote violence and show ur child hitting is okay

Good Morning to the world.....I am up on my second cup of coffee, lyss just went off to her "face to face" program and my two fellas are still asleep. <===they are sooooo lazyyyy haha.

Well, the weekend was good. We drove out to Tecumseh to get some of my things....wow! He is something else ( the douche bag #2 ; the #1 spot denny has held strong for 13 some years or so ha.) I had an officer escort me out there but this is how things went down. First off b.c I haven't been there in 6 months, If i didn't have an escort and just walked in he could have charged me with "breaking and entering" even tho everything in that house is furnished w. my shit! up to but not limited to the shower curtain and kitchen garbage can. He first didn't want me there and said no dice...but I have the electricity in my name. All my stuff is there. I have a key ( he changed the locks tho) and Im on the lease.

He kicked me out!!!! now though he wants to play like I bounced on him leaving him with the house so he should get to keep all my shit....cuz I "owe" him over $4,000 baahahaha keep dreamin fairy!!!!

Anyways we ended up getting a few things while he stood there and told the cop " i gave her ample time to get her things and she did not " wait a min. you gave me ample time when i was in the hosp. and or recovering...or when my daughter was in juvie or hosp. cuz the last 7 months have been a blurr for me. Like you get to sit here with kids that dont have issues like my daughter does. And for the ignorant ppl that choose to think my daughter is the way she is cuz of me just shows the lack of education you have and lack of knowledge and understanding of mental illness you really have. You don't get to choose when your kids born like a sign that says " take this path, be a good mom, and your child will never get sick....or take this path, be a bad mom and your child ends up with 3 different diagnoises and a court date in the morning" <====commmmeeee onnnn guyyyyy are you serious!!!! Any mother out there that can honestly say they never made a bad choice involving their child is a damn lie!!!! Ohhh wait they must have just misplaced that manual that they are born with. Trial and Error is how parenting goes. Everyone lives in a glass house its just some of us put it out there.....Stones are always thrown so why not just be upfront!

I kind of am flattererd tho that these ppl decided to start reading my blogssss....makes me wanna blog more!

So, Tomorrow is court!!!! Yikes!!! We are soooo nervous. Lyss expecially. Denny Hoed her out big time once again. He couldnt just give up one single sunday to his daughter!!!!! She is hurt again. Her dad " lied again" she says....It fucks me up sorry but she has him on a pedistal and he is just a constant let down. Ha. theres the consisitency we ask for i guess.....The messed up part is the courts have no interest in speaking to me. She didn't assualt me....yet he hasn't a clue what goes on in his childs life. He didn't help me get her coverage (he should have both his kids insured....) he never visited her...rarely called to speak to her. I didn't allow patient info to be allowed to be told to anyone but me. He didn't fight me on it...actually it was prolly a way for him to feel better about being outtie.

He will say (his side of the story) I was such a pos never had my kids...ok there were three times I have had denny have to keep my kids....lyss before brayden when I was young working at the bar....living the bar life...for about 6m. 19yrs i think. Ohh and then theres lyss and b when denny cheated on me and i moved/he kicked me out....i literally had nowhere to go ...desperate for somewhere to lay my head I even spent the night at tiffs dads.......lived out of my pink adidas bag. He didn't care I was being a shitty mom......and this time I had a collapsed lung directly after my childs 2 or 3rd admission.....sooo 12-28-10 1st admission for alyssa ( still lived w. john) 2-14-11 John kicks me out of the house 2-15-11 first night at laura n joes 2-23-11 the day i took leave of absense ( interment) it was through 8-1-11 ......... Alyssa was admitted twice in March ( beginning and middle of march) 3-23-11 <=lung collapse 3-31-11 had lung surgery(part of my upper and lower lobe were removed........4-3-11 I was discharged from hosp. at like 1030 pm...cuz i was not going to be in the hosp for my babygirls b day......although this is the first year ever in her life i didn't have a party...but my brother was up here with papaw visiting so they got to see her on her b day!!!!!! Her dad again promised her a party and it never happened! Every year since she can remember he has promised her shit and literally followed thru with disappointment! Yet it all for sure gets taken out on me.....any way I went back to work finally...health is cleared.,....7/7/11 I was soo happy except my kid was readmitted on that day as well.....mind you 7/7 is her last admission she was discharged two days before that which would be 4th admission...being 6/25/11......Her last admission, lasted nearly 4 weeks...2 days shy of 4 weeks....Sooo I got about a month into work and have to take another leave for stress for myself and am seeing a therapist on sept. 9th.......I had all my support pretty much come from the ladies at work! I had a few hook up when medicaid denied my child in patient transfer after highly recommended by her doctor who has followed her for over 6wks. I emailed the CEO AND MEDICAL DIRECTOR FOR HAP DR. BALA PAI......Then one of the neos on our unit her husband just happened to be the CEO of the hospital alyssa was admitted to 5 times and from the help email i sent to her asking desperately for help, when mentioning it to her husband, I guess he already was aware of alyssa's case b.c she is a little more high risk. I was contacted by HAP ( they dont cover long term care only acute mental health) which is where her medicaid picks it up. Welll interesting enough they denied her too...hmmmm it says she poses a threat to herself and others...they said she does not pose a threat to herself or otherss....So I contacted the Head of Gateway(medicaid has like two teams the red and the blue and gateway is the red) mind you i have the doctor ( Dr. Pajurla ) who calls me on her way hme from the hosp. when she is eating on lunch at the hosp. I mean she is by far the nicest and most caring person in general) but I decided to call and email the guy off the top of my head can't think of his name. But I appealed the denial 3 times with the same response. They discharged her and I took her to the court house b.c that was unfortunately the only other route the system in good ol michigan has for our children dealing with mental health issues. Dr. Parsons...(CEO of Kingswood hosp.) called me. We spoke for a good 30min. about how exhausted he is of seeing this too many times. Fortunately, He was covering for Dr. Lagrue on lyss's first admission so she started out his patient. He said to me " its sad that parents are expected to fight the fight....with no resources..YOu are fighting the fight w. the system and have a medical background and resources and kind of an in and are getting nowhere" Hands are tied in every direction when it comes to the lack of funds out there for Mental Health.

The Governor, needs to get back funds and programs that allow proper treatment for the ppl less fortunate. Children are suffering. Adults are homeless walking around looking like they are smoking crack, probably turn to it when there is no coverage for them and no meds to stabilize. Those ppl are our generation grown up.....and our future is my child. We need help in a big kind of way. I am not done addressing this issue b.c my child is affected and someone somewhere will give me answers as to why our children are not exempt from the denial process.....an 11yr old should not be a threat to herself or others.....yet when they are declared unstable in even a stable environment and are denied it saddens me to think of our childrens future. Why would the political parties fight for such things unless they had a child directly in the way of the system set up to fail.

It all stems back to Governor Ingler taking all of the funds away b.c most of the adults in the mental health community dont have an address let alone a voter registration card......so why fund them when they wont vote anyway! Completely sickening and it pisses me off every single time i speak about it.

Watch out politicians I think i found my niche. and you will see me sitting on Lansings door step one day over this!!!!! My kids motivate me like no other!!!!!!

Ahhhh....today I am sooo grateful for the family and friends that love me and support me no matter what the decision. I have a wonderful man that I haven't really spoken about on here but he is not a "new" guy!!!!!!! He was the first guy i dated after my long exhausting relationship.....It was sept. of 07' and we kinda hit it off but i was def. not in the right place in my life and neither was he to allow our hearts to be given to eachother. Although he was there through some of the hardest times in my life. When my dad passed away joel was at the hosp. allowing me to cry in his arms and just he was my rock. unfortunately time was not on our side. we broke up and then that was it for a few years.....

We have been going strong since May 21, 2011 and I couldn't be happier. He is truely my bestfriend! He is so sweet to me and my children. Not to mention my kids love him to pieces!!!!!! ( which if your a mother you know how much that means to you to have a guy that takes such interest in your children) He doesn't have any kids...and if you know me you know i didn't want any kids. But.....things are different. I would be honored to have his children.

Long term future plans with him.........we will get married. We are working on getting him able to stand up on his own so when we do get married he can stand next to me.....god that would be soooo amazing. But after marriage....comesssss a baby. Although it will be a little be harder to have one but we are will ing to try. I am in such a comfortable position with him its unreal. If there was ever someone out there that is meant for me it would be Joel Ivan. He gets me like noone ....he knows me, my past.....all of my past no hidden secrets....nota one.....and I can say that for the first time in my life. He gets the whole everyone has a past....and he hasn't told me everything but he has opened up to me about things i know he hasn't talkd to anyone about which melts my heart.

I have never wanted to help someone love life as much as i want joel to. he has been through sooo much and the last 3-4 years have been real rough on him. His accident kinda fucked him up! He was doing sooo good before his accident......and we were about to get back together I know it but then his accident happened and he almost died! I was dating douche denny again when i found out about his accident.....I was balling i woke denny up and told him and he was sooo mad at me for being sooo upset but at that moment....I was sooo devestated I can't even put it into words.

I wanted to be there and just lay in the hospital bed next to him and just rub his head and tell him things would be okay but I wasn't a part of his life like that....I promise though....that there was not a day that went by that I didn't hit up my girl ashley to see if he woke up or asked her and my bestie ( his sister ) to tell him i love him or kiss him for me. I called him a couple times in the hospital we talkd but what do you say to someone who just found out they are paralyzed from the waste down??? sooo that was that...we didn't really talk after that....

I was dating other ppl and joel was recovering.....doing his thing...not wanting anyone around really. So i let him be. But i always wondered if we would ever be able to be friends after he heard about me and his boy hooking up on a drunk retarded night.....

One day he added me to his facebook and then we started just randomly msgn or joel would comment on my many heart breaks....he would say things like " angel is a tough cookie" lol so after my lung collapsed and i had my surgery i asked joel via text if we could hang out watch the basketball finals.....and so we hung out....first day i was sooo nervous as to how he would be with me coming over and hanging out....things like should i hug him or high five him ran through my head....sooo first night was awesome... he didn't know that i had been thinkn about him for a while....and not on such a friend level. I told him through text how i was feeling....and the rest is history.....he asked to hang out again the following day and grab sum chinese food...and we literally have been together ever since......it became official may 21st but yes that was such a happy day for the both of us.

No issues....joel helps me with my daughter in ways that I can't. His parenting skills amaze me being that he does not have a kid. He is a great role model for my children to be around.

We are very happy together its sick lol. I love him soooo damn much. I could care less about his wheelchair.....i love him for who he is...not any other reason. I do think that we dated before for a reason b.c i think it would be difficult to get to know him had i didn't know him before. but he loves me and i know he loves me for me thats it! I have been in tons of shitty relationships one after another.....and I thought i cared sooo much for soooo many of those guys but then after the honeymoon was over things always changed.....

There was a point where i really didn't think i could love someone like for real love the kind that just comes natural....and comes from the depths of my the heart and soul. With joel thats how it is. I don't try at all....it is what it is...and thats the truest kinda pure love from the both of us.

He already has his wedding party picked out...due to my loss of fake friends this last couple yrs...i do not have......my wedding party picked completely. I have a few ppl in mind but...there are some that I think are still fake to me on the friendship tip. I am not worried about it one bit. If i had to choose between as many friends i wanted in the world or joel i would def. pick joel. I know he has my best interest at heart.

On that note i will end this hoping everyone has a good day!

I remember the very first time I realized things were going to be really bad between denny and I....I do believe it started before alyssa.





Set the scene...
We are inside my house...
and denny decides to leave, I follow trying to get him to engage in the arguement and it gets a little hazy at this point i mean come on i was barely 16. But i remember both of us in the front yard putting our hands on eachother....and then made our way inside as i pack all his things and he is coming at me while i try to ruin his stuff...i remember he pushes me on the couch ( i am hysterical at this point... and both of us are tryin to catch our breaths) When he pushes me down...he then just looks at me and I look back at him and then we started kissing...no need to get into any more details but that is more than odd ehh....?!?!
not to mention while i was pregnant i wrote in a journal every day about how shitty he used to make me feel every single day. I would cry for hours...I would only get to see him for like a few hours every 3 to 4 days...I was miserable....he didn't care....shoulda been a little smarter. I go into labor with lyss and denny almost didn't make it cuz he was out partyin the night before so when we called he had only been a sleep for like an hour it took forever for him to answer the phone. he did end up coming up there but he almost missed it.





Denny had a really bad drinking problem. When lyss was 2 almost 3 denny and I lived with tab and chris. Well tab and chris were out shopping for a firepit i believe....and denny and i are in the basement...chris calls and denny has me choked up sitting next to me while he is on the phone with chris telling him yea things are good we are chillin....( craziest look on his face and kind of laughing while motioning for me to be quiet ) When chris and tab got home they are tryin to put their firepit together and I am in Xavier's room tryin to clean the room. Denny comes in their starts smacking me and pusing me and then sayin " angel stop hitting me " to the point where chris really thought denny was getting hit by me. I was just numb. I dont know I was crying and shocked that he was acting like that but i was also numb. thought that was how i deserved to be treated...def didn't love myself like i shoulda.





Another memory,


around the same time, denny and chris decide to have two graduation parties in the back yard...supposed to be soo fun....all i remember feeling was anxious about it slowly approaching...I knew he was guna drink and I knew he was going to pick on me.....and prolly cheat on me when he gets wasted.....well he starts drinking like 11am with all his boys so yay! by 2 he is drunk...by4 he is belligerent well I dont really know if this is the same memory or not but i remember denny partying me...i had to work at 6am so i was sleeping on the couch in the basement..denny kept running downstairs turning on the light smacking me turning up the radio and going back up stairs....that same night...chris's dad was all coked up too ( denny i believe was doing coke as well ) was standing over me ( i was pretending to not know he was there ) and just creeped me out....was tryin to touch me...ugh anyway i said something...noone believed me ....life goes on.......this was the night before the grad party...b.c i went to work got off at 2 and came home to denny being a hot mess....he and i were fighting cuz he hated me...and loved to make me cry.....told me to leave the party several times.....I actually just found out not that long ago that he did infact cheat on me that night oops day...that night he went to jail for drinking and driving. So did Chris. It was crazy that alyssa was around for all of this craziness.....dont worry these memories get worse as I go trust.

I had my first apartment...and denny was over there ohhh wait let me back up...denny and chris got an apartment in taylor..pickwick to be exact...i move in lyss isn't even 1...but denny kicked me and lyss out well not directly lyss but he didn't expect her to stay there with him...so i get my own apartment...lyss is like a little over 12 months...we are back together.....and denny decides he wants to go out...i see brad pull up in his truck denny has his boys ( no word of a lie ) push me in the bathroom and hold the door shut while d jumped out the window and took off. He's awesome ehh....I was soo dumb omg!!!!!
He and his friends brag about it to this day like it was funny.

So as i look back and read some of the things that were going on in my life a year ago...its makes me realize that I am still a work in progress! Whats ironic is We(I) am still working on helping my children recover from what happened @ their dads spring break of 2010. Heres some background.....

Alyssa has exhibited characterisitics of being different since she was 3. She was very hard to raise. She was angry and would throw things in preschool/daycare. That is what happens when you have a child at such a young age. Her father and I had no clue as to what we were actually doing to our child the 7 years of her life as a single child. She watched her father and i fight, argue and show her behavior that is nothing short of unacceptable. Not making excuses but this is why when your parents tell you to finish school and become something before entertaining the idea of sex and the consequences that come with it. Anyways, so i get through age 3&4 with my lyssa bear. So she is ready for kindergarden. February of 2006 alyssa and I were invited to disney world. Jacqi ( my PIC) went with us and can testify that it was a holy nightmare for us both. LOL disney+5 yr old+young mom= not the happiest place on earth. JS. But while on this vacation Jacqui notices that alyssas behavior seems a bit odd. She had taken bear to the bathroom and notices her cleaning the bathroom. Picking things up off the floor and wiping the counter off....then we would go to spend disney bucks and lyss is straightening up the rows of toys and putting them where they go instead of looking for something to buy. Well, after the trip is over and we settle in from the vacation, We start ( her dad and I wait no just me not sure he ever notices anything w. his kids ) to notice lyss doing weird things at home. Like make her bed and never sleep under the covers. Line up all her toys along the wall. She even became really upset with me when i crawled in bed with her...and out of a deep sleep she yells at me for messing up her covers LOL. So I decide to take her to get some counceling b.c she then started with her food not touching. Therapist told me not to feed into any of it and hopefully she would grow out of it. Well here we are today and I have to make her clean her room!!! HAHAAHA!!!!!

During the next few years esp. kindergarden....granny passed away....popi passed away.....mamaw passed away and oma passed away. That is a lot for one child to try to understand. I mean I as an adult do not understand death and its complex reasoning whether your religious or not. How could i expect my child to understand where everyone went in her life. She loved granny and popi sooo much as they loved her. It was a loss a very deep great loss for all families surrounding those ppl. Lyss didn't know my mamaw. She only met her twice but she knew that i was sad from it. As a mother I should have taken her then and went for grief counseling but again....I was a selfish person I believe. I was worried about finishing school. The only thing I did good was when lyss went to kindergarden I went to h.s and I did finish. But how good is it when it was at the expense of my childs well being?
I know that her father plays a part in all of this but as her MOTHER....there just is no excuse. I am supposed to protect my children at all cost.....and when i was with her father I didn't. I allowed her to be subject to sooo many things. She witnessed her dad put his hands on me. Whew...um maybe next post I will get into that story!

Wow its been a really really long time since i have blogged. A lot has happened in the last month month and a half. John and I broke up. I couldn't deal with the way I was treated. So now guys kinda suck....hate them so bad...here we go again right? nope i am sooo super straight on dating if you think you would like to date me please just keep on moving. I have no room in my life nor my heart for guys that are just fake. How can you feel something for someone and be so wrong about them?? Not looking for answers just questions that i ask myself that i know there are no answers to.

I never follow my gut and I should. The first red flagg went up and I didn't listen to myself ugh! Can't really fault him for my stupidity right.....So I guess I am back to blogging so at least i have an out right....

Sometimes people come into your life & you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or help you figure out who you are & or who you want to become You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbor, professor, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger), but when you lock eyes with them, you know at the very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.
and sometime things will happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, & unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming these obstacles that you would have never realized your true potential, strength, will power, or heart
Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by mean of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness & sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without this small test, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe & comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.
The people that you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you will become Even the bad experiences are learned from. In fact, they are the most poignant ones.
If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love & how to open your heart & eyes to things.
Make everyday count. Appreciate every moment & take from those moments everything you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before & actually listen... Let yourself fall in love again, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right too.
Tell yourself that you are a great individual & believe in yourself. For if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make your life anything you wish.....Create your own life & then go out & live it with absolutely NO REGRETS. Most importantly, if you love someone tell him or her, for you NEVER know what tomorrow may have in store. And learn a lesson in life each day you live.
Today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday.... Was it worth it?

Big ups to crystal for getting me some followers! Thanks girl kinda feel popular lmao!

So for an update on my dads situation....He was put on the transplant list for a new heart on Thursday. Extremely scary!!!! His heart is only working at a 7% right now. He is being discharged and sent home wearing a life vest. Which i didn't know what that was but working in the medical field at the hosp. I did some research, asked my ANAM and she told me pretty much it is a Defibrillator that just sticks to you with leads kind of like an EKG or heart monitor when your in the hosp. It is temp. for right now but he is at risk for Cardiac Arrest so if his heart becomes arrythemic and he is not awake to disarm it the life vest is there to shock his heart. They are hoping with meds that his heart will strengthen on its own but they would like in a few months to put in A Ventricular Assist Device (VAD)which is implanted surgically and provides partial or total circulatory assistance to the natural heart. Since 1969, VADs have been used as support to sustain a patient’s life and maintain their other organ function while awaiting heart transplantation. It is a bridge to heart transplant! My dad is very active and is a volunteer fire fighter and first responder. He is a die hard Harley lover and rides his bike whenever he can. I am praying that a miracle can happen and his heart will strengthen on its own. If he gets the heart transplant it will change his entire life. I did research on heart transplants as well and 60% of ppl live 11.5 yrs after the transplant. The first year is the most critical but all of the statistics show no more than 70% of ppl survive the transplant. I guess those are good numbers considering. I mean its infection that really you have to look out for. He will be on immunospressives for the rest of his life to keep his body from attacking his heart. Which that ruins his immune system. He would have to go in every 3 months for biopsys of his heart to make sure there are no dead tissue and the body isn't fighting against his heart! He wont be able to do much of anything and its a whole new life style that cannot be taken lightly.
just to give you a little insight into the kind of person my dad is.....he lives in tennessee and they just had some massive tornados that did some serious damage to his town and the surrounding towns. Well him and my brother were out in the rain middle of the night moving trees and logs out of the road.....searching for ppls mobile homes...mind you my dad has a valve replacement 10 yrs ago along with a bypass and just major heart issues . So he shouldn't have been doing that but he stays active. So a heart transplant would wipe his life completely. Everything he has known to be normal and daily activities will be altered. When someone has even a minor cold he will have to be careful due to his immune system. I am really just so nervous for all of this. I hope with meds that his heart will strengthen.
Say a prayer for him please!

Am I just stuck on stupid errr what?? I am soo confused as to where to find things on these blogs i look at others blogs...i.e awards lmao still not understanding....i can't even get to my own dashboard..took me like 35 min. to figure out how to follow someone really ?!?!

"This kind of certainty comes, but once in a lifetime." Clint Eastwood
(Bridges of Madison County)

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."
(Shaw Shank Redemption)

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."
(Mulan Rouge)

"You will never know love unless you surrender to it."
(Fools Rush In)

"Never knew I could feel like this, like I've never seen the sky before. Want to vanish inside your kiss and I love you until the end of time."
(Mulan Rouge)

"If your not willing to sound stupid, you're not worthy of falling in love."
(A lot like love)

"I would rather have tasted her lips just once, touched her skin, one time, and made love to her for one night, than spend the rest of my life without ever knowing that."
(City of Angels)

Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.
(Twilight)

I am soo incredibly sick of the games that are played by boys. I mean every single guy out there plays mind games. I mean is that how it goes?? really?? You find yourself just giving into the ways of how things just are....no real reason or explaination its just how it is...to be in a relationship you must adapt to the "game playing" I just have the hardest time dealing with that. I don't understand why people can't just say what they mean and mean what they say...

Misleading vibes off of guys are just too much for me to deal! All of my friends cept me have someone to call their someone! Me not soo much maybe its cuz im too picky er too much against the game playing who knows. I am not guna just settle tho. I mean the only guys i seem to be into are the wrong ones the ones that are willing the mind F*** you and break your heart!

The nice boys the ones that would do anything for me well its always something. The attraction isn't there or they have stalker like qualities...etc.

Its just soo annoying to me to the point where i am becoming a real true "man hater"

I gave 9 yrs to a pos that did nothing but mind f*** me from day one. So to just talk to various guys and see that they are all the damn same is very discouraging to me.

I feel like if there is such a guy out there then he is going to make the initiative! Show me that just as much as i think of him he thinks of me. The who texts who first or "he hasn't called all day" games that men play I feel should not be played w. me if there really is a guy out there...that has the IT factor....

Ahh i feel much better now! I def. dont want to become a man hater but its really hard when all thats out there are d-bags that aint bout shit but telling u what you want to hear...I get red flags 32 seconds into a IM with a guy like really is there a sign on me that says OHHH please pick me Im the girl that lovess the retards....

Man, as if my life couldn't get anymore complicated.....yet another brick is thrown at me! Awesome!!!! My house has been sold and now i have to move out in 30days....lmao really thats all i can do is just laugh it off cuz as long as i laugh about it I wont cry about it.

Now I know to a few of you that read this that think I dont know that you read this....Seeing me fail might bring some sort of evil heartless happiness to your life. I will say Your welcome now for that!

I am just going to trust that things are going to work out exactly the way they should! For whatever reason this house isn't where I am supposed to raise my children soo I am guna deal with the facts of that and move on!

ha Maybe I am supposed to move to Canada lmao!!!! who knows....

So spring break is over and I couldn't be happier! LOL dont get me wrong I love spending time with my kids but man am i glad that they are back in school LOL!

So this is Day One of the way my life is going to be here on out...might sound a little confusing to some not knowing my current situation but I am extremely blessed! It is going to be hard, this i know but I pray that God will give me the strength to handle this!

Everything happens for a reason and its kinda ironic, usually when things happen that arent so great you dont really know the answer to exactly why it happened and you dont understand the lesson right away! But the lesson has slapped me in the face and the reason behind the heartache is evident!

I cannot be anything but greatful for how things have went down this year!

Its sad that ppl dont learn their lessons though....But again that is not anything I can control. I will just take what I have learned from all of this and make the appropriate changes needed! There is a long and trying road ahead for me and my children but we will get through it! That is a promise!

I am so greatful for the family and friends who have helped me and will continue to help me throughout all of this!

I guess everyone is different when defining a friendship. A true friendship that is. To me a true friend is someone who has your ultimate best interest at heart always! Someone who when you are feeling down and out is there to pick you up, when you have a broken heart they are there to pick up the pieces!!! True friends are so hard to come by and sometimes you lose sight of what it really means to have such a friend in your life. It is not how much someone does for you that defines them as being a good person or friend but the fact that whenever your down, you know you can call them no matter what and they will stop what they are doing and just listen. I cherish my friendships with the few people i have them with because it is soo hard to find someone who is 100% real and true to you. You can't trust a lot of people. Most of the time when you confide in someone about some of the most personal things in your life they just use that information to their own advantage.

It saddens me to know that low blows can be made in a matter of seconds! Words are very hurtful sometimes esp. when coming from someone you consider to be the closest person in your life!

At the end of the day though you just have to pick yourself back up and move on with life. Everything happens for a reason. Relationships end and friendships fail but the earth still spins.....and if you continue to bottle things up and hold on to something that isn't there, you inturn are just making yourself a miserable person. I am trying for 2010 to be the best possible person i know i can be. If I am hated for that then so be it. I know in my heart that throughout it all i have had the purest of intentions!

Ohh man do i know how to find all the crazies! I have been on this dating website for 2 weeks. Out of thousands of ppl I pick the crazies....ex.I was talking to this guy via e mail and he asks about the father of my children..I give him a cliff notes version of the history...well when i asked him about the mother of his kid he says to me "It's complicated, we live together but we are not together." WHOA! RED FLAG! and then there is Todd.....yea 38yrs old very immature. Would have been a good friend but after literally 2 encounters and like 5 kisses he's in love! Yup Im outtie. Not that I wouldn't mind finding Mr. Right, but I am not ready to move at warp speed.....He wasn't my type anyway. There was another guy totaly Douche bagg...tells me he lives in LP and is a professional MMA fighter....ummm and you live in LP ohh and he was married. Best part of this story is when we started IM'ing eachother he asked me to tell him about myself...when i started to omg he was like "no, I mean whats ur stats, bust size, pant size, what kind of stuff are you into orally cuz I am very talented!" OMG I COULDN'T HIT DELETE FAST ENOUGH! WOW!!!

I really am disgusted by the way men think they can just have it like that. Ewwwww....NO THANK YOU