Sometimes being an adult sucks! Your forced to do things you don't want to do and expose yourself to ppl you can't even stand to be around. To be a mature adult one must go to the child's b day party and smile and hope that neither one of them says a word to you. Knowing it's guna be so ackward and uncomfortable but that's where being an adult sucks. Have to suck it up and be the bigger person. even though the maturity level of the couple combined doesn't add up to my sons age..... it shouldn't be that hard to be the bigger person! I would like nothing more than to tell the both of them exactly how I feel and how others see it as well! Grudges are held onto by very closed minded people. Very square individuals who have so many other issues they couldn't possibly see their own flaws through the wreckage of a brain they have. People that like to joke around alot and talk shit to ppl alot... pretending to be better in everything in everyway shouldn't wear their emotions on their sleeve. Don't dish it out if you can't take it. After an apology was sincerely in place that's when you get to see the kinda person your really dealing with..... I hope hating me at some point becomes exhausting b.c I couldn't imagine dealing with ever having thoughts of either one of you even on a weekly basis! I don't know why ppl would put so much energy into someone they dislike so very much. I am excited to see a gremlin up close and personal lol sorry very immature of me. Couldn't resist!!!!!
See I was raised with two older brothers and a younger brother and a dad who was the biggest smart ass so I learned very quickly how to snap back with come backs just as hard and when I got older even harder! I learned all too early how to give it right back! But I am also not the kind of person to purposely hurt someone's feelings. And when I am wrong I do apologize but if u choose to not accept it then I wash my hands of you. And that's that. Why keep on causing issues and running your mouth. Why when it's about your kids party am I the first thing you talk about.? God I would hate that someone else is allowed that type of mind control.

THE proof is in the pudding! A true test of time with critical events to follow. My magnifying glass is out!
They say it takes 3 weeks to learn a new habit or change of habit. Only someone truly dedicated to change will allow such magnificent results! Change happens everyday. Everything changes all the time day to day yet everything seems so repetitive! It is only when rock bottom has been hit that some will then have their moment of clarity! Sometimes tho when one finally sees their own faults and the severity of it....it's too late. So much damage has been done it becomes a questionable situation. Can things be repaired? Can't trust be reinstated? Can the normalcy that once was be restored? A true test of time...and commitment! I have not a clue what tomorrow brings so daily I am thankful for being allowed another day no matter what is going on or how bad things seem.

I would hate to lose the moon while busy counting the stars!

The hardest thing time do is to look at your own wrong doings and acknowledge it. Then the need to correct it requires change. Change can be very scary but this last year I have done a lot of self reflection. I can sleep so much better at night knowing I'm a true person. I used to be afraid to speak my mind but all that does is give certain people the power to walk all over me. Or in this case play games. Mine games. Why do people insist on living a lie. Just to try to make your self look and appear something your not. Why make an attempt to come into someone's life after all that has happened and attempt to make amends when it is a lie. You have to hide it from others b c the drama isn't worth it but everyone deserves a person. ESP if the person capable of being your person has fantastical intentions with not a single shady motive.
That being said when it's a situation.that is unchangeable... I have learned just to charge it to the game! And shut that chapter completely. It's not worth it. The second you find that there is nothing positive that would out weigh all the negative then there isn't a single reason to give it anymore of your time or energy. Mentally you have to just let go. It's a sad situation that has done so much damage words thrown that cannot ever be forgotten or really forgiven. Saying it and doing it is where the contradicting comes in. Everything is easier said then done. There are times when you really miss that friendship even tho the outcome is always going to be the same we all have feelings and things and memories that make us wish so bad that certain things weRe done differently. life sucks in that sense. Biggest lessons are learned the hard way! The painful way. I'm the kind of person whom ppl really mistake me as a person who is naive and not very strong and not someone who is hard to lie too. Oh she will believe anything lol I kind of like it that way b.c when you underestimate my intelligence that only makes it so much easier on me:) I am aware I tell ppl info that they could use against me but being an open book works for me. I don't want to try to be something I'm not just so someone can't talk shit. Who cares what anyone thinks they don't live your life and have never walked a day in your shoes. And on that note I will end this.

So I have no car well no legal car at the moment so who would I look toward for assistance obviously my bf well what I am about to explain is something that has happened twice now. In an argument we were having he decides after I fill his gas tank up of course that I ain't allowed to use his car. I had to walk to pick up my son's script just for them not to have it of course. Walk all the way back and they call to say they do have it. Ugh. My kids had no way to school if it weren't for their father who came to pick them up this morning. Mind you regardless of any fighting I let him use my car all the time when he had no car. Then he is guna say I use him. Lmao I pay for everything. He don't pay for shit. I'm so sick of this shit that's so shady and if he really cared about my kids he wouldn't take it out on them knowing I only need his car to take my kids to and from school

I hate this day it makes for ppl like me who don't have a picture perfect life very depressed. Joel and I got back together just to break up. Again. I did it and he agrees that it's what's best we are ruining eachother. We are so much alike it is sickening. Our complaints are very similar.
Reflection is something everyone should do. I look at situations alot and try to figure out what role I played and the demise of our relationship is def b c when given the power like I gave Joel he took advantage of it. Walked all over me and that's my fault I fall too hard. And I allowed certain behavior to happen all many times that it became routine to get talked to like a pos.
I get no respect b.c I don't force it. I didn't stick up for myself not one time and he knew I wasn't going anywhere! So anyways it's over and yes I am sad but at the same time a little relieved. I know what I want and I thought he was it. He was supposed to be my best friend and always have my back but when that person becomes more of an enemy than someone you would talk too about anything u know things are so bad and maybe there isn't any turning back from that. I don't know.anymore!
All I know is noone deserves to be physically or emotionally abused regardless of what the issue is. And that has to be my motivation.
I wish he could just see it from my point of view. I could never even see him not in our lives and I can't see myself with someone else yet we cannot be together cuz I love myself more then to allow someone to simply dog me, out whenever the feeling arises
Riddle me this:
I am sitting on the bed crying to him and asking him to talk to me he pulls cover over his face turns out the light and says " shut up " ever since then I haven't really been able to give him my all. I can't tell you how many times he has hoed me when talking about our relationship. I'm a bitch yes but I show him my feelings and that I care and he just says I am emotional. Too emotional. Which when I think about it he is prolly right. I am. That's where I made all my mistakes. I came into this with an open mind and heart and quickly found myself emotionally stuck if you will. Never allow someone that power over,you. They will always use that power to their advantage and then u find urself heart broken b.c that person is taking complete advantage of you.
This is my blog my version thru my heart as I see n feel it. That's not to say I'm not wrong for things . I am very wrong for thinkn he was any different from anyone else.
It's sad b.c we can be such a great team but you can't make someone try or want to try. So when that's the case u have to remove yourself. When you realize things are not in the best interest of the kids and yourself then it's time to go. I don't want anyone else I will make that clear I love him so much but again you can't make someone be something they aren't and maybe just maybe this is how it's supposed to be. Sad to say but it is prolly the closest to the truth. My kids are u world and in the beginning he helped all the time with the kids and being a real family but just as men do he became bored I think and maybe that's why he,stopped but see they are my kids and I don't get to just stop and start and stop and start. .I am a mom 24/7 and I need someone who is human be there actively be there through it all without giving up.
Anyways that's all for now. I'm single now so I have alot more to blog about so stay tuned!

Joel and I are officially back together! Which rocks considering last v day was horrible lol cruel intentions is all I am saying. The babe and I are making Valentine's day gifts for eachother awww

I have a friend whom things have been rocky for a while but this friend was more like a sister to me for over five years our kids literally grew up together and we had a falling out big time. Now as I see it life is too short to hate. It's exhausting to dislike someone. One of the hardest things is to take back the stones thrown. This friend I swore off for life until recently but it sucks that our friendship has to be kept a secret. For fear of drama in her life. Things are weird in the sense that we can't really be there for one another. How do we learn to trust again. How do we learn to be able to confide in that person again. To tell them things that is so personal and not to be judged or allowing ammunition with given info. I hope that this can be repaired. .am I too forgiving? I think when it comes to friendships I am only as forgiving then the next. Being able to let go is the greatest thing.

Can two of the same people be together and have a successful relationship. I find that Joel and I are so similar that we clash more than anything. It's like looking thru a glass mirror. .am I the way he views me and is he as I view him. Are we just so much a like that we constantly are calling eachother out on our own flaws. Both Aquarius both sensitive both stubborn and both very much insecure in this relationship. True talk! But there is just something that keeps me holding on. I can't see myself without him and him without I so then what is the problem ugh we gotta get through this we have to

Sometimes I wonder if ppl are put into our lives just to simply test us. Test our boundaries see how far we will let them go before there is that line drawn between work thru it and deal breaker. Wait please tell me that's not human nature. It's so weird how woman can tell the future just by watching how a man will show his. Ass! And what why are we supposed to be understanding of their unemotional and fragile egos. Stroke his ego make him feel needed. Horse shit! They don't do this for us yet we need oven mit's on to deal with them coommmmeeee ooonnnn now! They are not children yet reverse psychology works lmao! ™ I am able to feel comfort in knowing that I am a good person and I deserve to be treated with respect. I give my all in every relationship especially this one. I am on top of all this dumb ass relationship crap I am dealing with depression and ocd and adhd which is all new to me well kind of knowing it or thinkn it is one thing but being told yup your screwed up oh and generalized anxiety disorder. My anxiety is thru the roof and my relationship or lack of one is def not helping things. Sometimes I just feel so alone. Noone understands what it's like or where I am coming from I don't tell many ppl anything anymore cuz then I get judged for it or I hear I told you so or you deserved it. So keeping to myself is usually cool cept sometimes a girl needs to vent. Sometimes a girl just needs her man to hold her kiss her n say it's guna be okay. Why does that seem like that is too much to ask?

I always have these ahhhhaaa moments after I have been blinded by love. I shouldn't just settle for something that isn't what I thought it was. I am so in love it's ridiculous yet I am the only one who seems to care what happens to us. Life is so short why consume yourself with worry about another...when truth be told no matter what the situation is you can't make or force someone to change even if it means for the better if they don't want it it WON'T HAPPEN!!!! and even if you know that down the road they will have made that change and will have regrets for their actions It will have been too late. And even if you know that the love you have is perfect and can become something extraordinary! ( grey's anatomy lol) if they don't want it it won't happen. No matter how sad it makes you and how many times you find yourself completely heart broken a many times you have to think about what's best overall for yourself and your children. So many times I have found myself allowing things to happen or go on that puts the value of self worth on the clearance rack and it has become some what routine for men to disrespect me. I am fooled with acts of normalcy. Family values! It's all I want. But once you decide your in you must live up to the promises prior! But all too often it's all a lie! Or they just give up. And it becomes a game. When they try I'm so far from being able to just say okay yay! Your back! I am past my breaking point. Being alone used to be something I feared! But these days I'm alone. And I'm becoming okay with that. And actually if I really think about it I have been doing it alone for a really long time and how,sad is it that it's become so routine that I didn't even realize. My feelings on the back burner as usual! I am fine with it in the sense my babies come,first. I have learned so much in the last year my brain is,on overload. But it's something I thank God for every day. I have my daughter back and both my kids are with me all the time and I am able to take the time each day to spend special time with Alyssa just talking and when I need to discipline she respects me. So nice to work so hard at something so vital like parenting and see results that are pleasing. So yes I have things more important than any relationship to be sooo thankful for. :) and I know I can do that all by myself. And so what if I end up alone I'm pretty awesome and can entertain myself really easy random ppl are always more fun. Lol but it's not the end of the world if I end up alone. I have my kids and they mean more to me than any guy ever will!

I just don't know where to gofrom here I guess u can only go up from here! There comes a time where you have to risk it all inorder to stick up for yourself! Life is full of challenges and bumpy roads but in order to feel you can with stain the bumps and rough roadage you must have a secure spot so when the rough patches hit your not hurt . It's human nature to take from someone who is giving. It's hard when your the giving and being taken advantage of:( you don't know what you have til it is gone and too late. Emotional abuse is not okay in Any situation no matter what it's not okay for someone to daily emotionally tear upon down. My own fault for allowing it. I feel tho that I am going to be okay.

Today I am 29 plus one day. I had a good b day enjoyed spending time with my loved ones all that happy shit lol but there is still issues. Issues I don't know how to fix issues I can't fix. I got a phone msg from an old friend which was nice. I'm not sure the motives though. I have to still put faith in people and try to trust that not everyone has shitty motives. I hope things can be kosher with her although there was a horrible ending to our friendship I truly believe that I am a good person and my intentions were and never have been in a foul manner I find myself keeping to myself alot for fear of getting to close but I have a positive outlook fore if I don't it will drive me crazy

Why can't people keep it real I mean I understand little fibs here n there but man some ppl are so incredibly selfish. And I'm so sick of just letting things roll off my back like it's just okay all to avoid the drama that comes along with the conversation. Grrrr just be who you are and say what you mean and mean what u say don't talk about it be about it!

2012. What have you done? This is a year that has been filled with nothing but sorrow. Saddles is overflowing in the emotions of so many people I know and hold dear to my heart. My heart goes out to the people that have been hurting over losing a loved one. It's sad to say it takes something like losing a long time friend or childhood friend to put things into perspective. We concentrate and worry about all the petty shit that goes on. He took my parking spot. I had to tell her five times to do something. He won't talk to me. She gave me a dirty look. Even a break up. It's the bigger picture. You're given another day to live. To learn. To teach. To love. So why hate so much. I am guilty of this we all are but it's times like this where the lord sends us a wake up call. The economy is jacked and the world is going to shit. All we can do is try to focus on the hear and. Now. Everything thing that is expected and not appreciated is the message. I believe anyways. The ability to see and taste and smell...being able to wake up in the morning and get outta bed. Those who have kids...the health of your children. The ability to make decisions on your own. Things can always get worse and I really am going to just start being more aware of the things I do have instead of dwelling on the bad. You cannot change things that have already happened. But you can change the way you react to it. And I believe also that everything that happens there is a lesson to be learned.

Please 2012 enough with the amount of loss experienced by so many ppl

God bless

["I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love." - Mother Theresa

Does this even make sense. I hurt and hurt and hurt and seems to be no end to the amount of hurt I have felt the last few months. Granted I have felt worse no doubt and it can always get worse but what's worse than loving someone that don't love you back?

I am so excited that there is finally an app for pinterest. Yup that's all for this entry. Please follow me. Xo.

When you feel you are being done wrong....what do you do when you feel a friend is dogging on ya or a bf ....how do you approach someone on that issue. Is it worth the fight....why does it even have to be an argument. What do you do when you can't talk to the person u have an issue with. How do you go about any of it without the person getting defensive I mean it all boils down to noone gives a rats ass about your own feelings. Which is why you need to be on point when it comes to your own feelings. Noone is guna have ur back...not even your man. Now I am just venting this isn't a stab at anyone im just saying. Another thing that annoys me....people that do things ask your opinion and when you give it and its not what they wanted to hear then they become ghost in your life. Don't ask my opinion and honestly im guna stay true to myself no matter what. If it causes a friendship to be lost then so be it. If I don't agree with something and someone asks I am guna tell em. As long as u keep it real ppl should have no issue. Cept the ppl that refuse to keep it real with you. Why just cuz you don't agree with something someone does doesn't mean you deserve to be cut from their life and are given some bs every time u speak to them from there on out. Sucks to lose a friend awesome to gain one but shitty to think you gained a great friend just to find out they have never viewed you as anything more than way to get the 411 ugghhhh it is what it is no real way to change things. U can't change ppl u can only work on yourself. End of the day who wants to be friends with someone who don't wanna be friends with them....NOONE! keep it real always and who cares friends come and go...so the ones that wanna go .....let em! Chuck the deuces. Enjoy life and enjoy it with people that enjoy you. Even your partner will likely stab you in the back. Don't trust too many ppl they only pretend to care to once again gather info probably to make themselves feel better by making u look worse than them. Noone looks out for you except you. I don't have one friend that I would trust my life or my kids life with. I have friends and love em to pieces but there is a few I should just forget about. How can one person be so positive in your life yet so bad for you. Crazyy

[Life is not merely a series of meanlingless accidents, or coincidences. No, but rather it's a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite sublime plan......Serendipity]
Never lose faith.
I believe We all have a plan. Don't give up! When u have put a period at the end of your life, the lord replaces it with a comma and picks you up and says let me take the wheel! When you feel you have noone and everyone has written you off....the lord is still writing!
The footprint saying is one of my all time favorites. I believe full heartedly that every single person has a path they are to walk and even though we tend to try to take shortcuts...if you listen closely the lord will guide you back.

Swear if I don't start getting some sleep I may go insane...any ideas on house hold remedies

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